A Sample of Self-Discovery: My Story

“Is this all there is?!”

Sitting in my swank office overlooking the Statue of Liberty, I was nagged by this question. 

All my effort and sacrifice had paid off with a recent promotion. I had arrived.  Yet before the new office smell had worn off, I was wondering what was next.  And I could not shake the profound sense of emptiness.

It was early in my career, yet I exceeded many of my goals.  I successfully climbed the ladder of a top financial services company.  My new post as General Manager with a sizable staff had the eye of senior management.  This was the type of position I dreamed of while sweating through B-school exams, late nights in the office, endless flights in a cramped seat and tedious events sucking up to clients. This was my “in your face” to all those who never thought I’d make it.

“What’s the point?”

Ahhhh!!  I was supposed to be happy.  I was supposed to be satisfied.  

Van Gogh

Instead, I was more anxious than ever.  I stressed about staying ahead of the pack.  The fear of being exposed as incompetent never left.  My work performance still fed my sense of self-worth.  No promotion or title or glad-handing from executives quenched my thirst for affirmation and approval.

My grand plan for schooling and career did not deliver!  How was that possible? I followed the script and achieved success.  I was a "good guy" who worked hard and kept my nose clean. I even flossed regularly.

"Where did I go wrong?"

I was flustered and at a loss. Everything seemed so meaningless and hollow.  So did I.  Looking in the mirror, I saw a puppet, not a person. I had become a two-dimensional cardboard cut-out saying the right things and acting according to convention.  I could articulate the reputation I was creating but not the foundation of which I stood.  I could tell you who I wanted to be like, but not who I really was.

"Who am I?" 

Almost overnight, the void inside me became a vortex.  My zest for achievement wore off.  My passion faded.  Then doubt crept in.  My confidence was shaken.  On the outside, I acted cool.  On the inside, an emotional cancer spread.  No business school classes or executive training had prepared me for this inner turmoil.

Seeking help was out of the question.  Therapy was for defects, spirituality for wimps.  I had to handle this on my own.  Internalize the angst.  Bottle up the emotions or just ignore them entirely. 

Gormley Man

Isolation came naturally.  Feelings and fears are not discussion topics on the golf course, across the poker table or around the barbecue.  No chance I was going to appear weak or pathetic.  So, I chose to suffer in solitude.  Fact was, I didn’t have a single friend I trusted with my true emotions.

Staring into the abyss, I felt completely alone.

“Now What!?!”

Sound familiar? My situation is not so unique. In fact, it’s more common than one thinks.  I wasn’t sure where to turn or what to do next.

Fortunately, I met some folks who had walked the Self-discovery path before me.  Their lives were not perfect but they had something I desperately wanted - a sense of peace.

And so, I embarked on some introspection.  It was not a journey I wanted to do, rather one I had to do.  Self-discovery begins with a commitment to explore who we truly are - all our gifts and advantages as well as our foibles and failures. What do we stand for?  What are we unwilling to compromise? What is the point of our work? What is the legacy we are trying to build?

Though change doesn’t happen overnight, the transformation I experienced was dramatic.  I am still competitive and passionate, but my perspectives are different.  I consider advancing others before myself.  Priorities and choices are better aligned with who I am and what I do well. 

Grounded by clear core values and a belief in God’s sovereignty, I am confident in where I stand.  I don’t feel compelled to prove myself or seek the validation and affirming of others.  

Self-Discovery doesn’t make us invincible, just more confident.  Sure I still have stress and worries, but they don’t keep me up at night.  Grounded in strong principles and a clear purpose, I generate more meaning from my work.

And I am not going it alone.  I am now comfortable enough in my own skin to be vulnerable with others.  More openness and authenticity creates better relationships in all aspects of my work, home and community life. 

I still have much to strive for, many goals unattained.  Though the pursuit is rigorous, I feel truly content.  And it all started with a little self-reflection.

So if you are struggling with “Now What?!?”, give Self-discovery a go.